The Day I Died A Little By J Junior

I can't believe J Senior's pushing for me to write more about Lukas Rossi, what really is left to say?

Remember that really shitty period of mainstream music where bands like Puddle of Mud, Train, Three Doors Down and Linkin Park were dominating rock radio? If for some bizarre mysterious reason unknown to myself you're feeling really nostalgic or just fucking hate yourself REAAALLLY BAD, head on over to Lukas Rossi's myspace page and give yourself a good earful.

After painfully sitting through two songs, I'm not going to go back and find out the titles because it doesn't matter anyway, all I have to say is : GENERIC GENERIC SHITTY SHITTY CRYBABY ROCKSTAR BULLSHIT. There is no scale to measure the depths of the suck I had just put myself through.

Also, hey Lukas, WTF? WHO THE HELL GETS PAID TO DRESS YOU!? Sometimes you look like you're going for some kind of tranny/boy george look, other times just a straight up homo, and the rest of the time some generic goth/indie hot topic infusion. Let's take a look at a few of his press photo's so we can really understand the essence that is Rossi couture.

p.s. if for some reason the stylist for Lukas stumbles upon this, you have to tell me if you're totally serious and how much you make doing this.

He reminds me of Boy George in this one, but with hair. Also, what's up with his hand in this picture? It looks like he has post-stroke hand.


Hey, Isn't this a picture of Melissa Ethridge's girlfriend?

Actually this outfit is kind of cool, IF YOU'RE FUCKING FIFTEEN! How old is this dude?

Um, so yeah. Lukas Rossi is a total doucheface and I think that's all that needs to be said.

I'm so done with this entry. Are you happy now Jon? Is this what you wanted?!

JUNIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Friendship DENIED!!!

I'm offically not in a good mood now.

Lukas Rossi: Well...It Couldn't Get Much Worse Could It? by J Senior

Are you mad at yourself?

Did you eat more than your daily allotment of chocolate cake?

Do you need to be punished?

Well then you should listen to this!!

I'll be honest, when i stumbled upon this shining star I figured I was in for a foul tasting treat. In no way was I prepared for this! This is not good. This doesn't even approach the realm that exists on the periphery of good! God help us all... some folk singer found the eyeliner.

I actually don't know where to start...the fashion awfulness or the musical yuck. Music? Imagine the Gin Blossoms' B sides...now imagine the ones that weren't good enough for B-sides...now imagine that those B-side rejects really really really really wished that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was still on so they could be featured on the soundtrack. Got the image in your head? Is it fully formed? Yes? Good. Now tattoo it and put some eyeliner on it and now growl a lot because you are angry that Buffy was canceled or ended or whatever. There you go! You got Lukas Rossi!!
the picture says it all...no?
This is Hot Topic pop at its best...which in and of itself is a very bad thing. But this one took all of my chocolate cake and ran away with it. There is no way I will be able to sleep tonight after having heard this. As the lyrics to the drooling piano screamer "Memories of You" state, "I need to burn the memories away". I will need seriously large amounts of whiskey. Copious amounts of whiskey, in order to burn these memories away.

I was going to go into depth on a few of the songs...but I just can't bring my self to do it. Listen, look, shudder...go ahead..I dare you.

SENIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Friend Request Emphatically Denied

ummm...

Tommy Santee Klaws, I Love You Mumble Kitty by J Senior

OK...this may be a little unfair, but I know Mr.Klaws personally...we played in bands together and I missed his wedding party for some dumb reason. But I figured there is nothing wrong with spreading the gospel of some good ole' time, sweet, creepy, twisted, furry folk. I will be short and sweet.

MySpace is crapping out on me at the moment so I can't listen for reference while I write this (I use "write" in a very liberal manner...its more like electronic scribbling). Tommy's music sounds like some high voiced hick from the backwoods of Virginia crashed into a circus comprised of children's toys and bad dreams.

Check out the song "All I know", its like some lush, romantic, Latin lament...with a crazy toy piano and unintelligible lyrics (excepting the line "...and how they hate your guts"). Or "Dead Leaves and BumbleBees"...I'm not sure i need to say more about that.

Bottom line is there is something charming and soothing about Tommy's plaintive mumble and the arrangements/instrumentation tends towards brilliantly odd and beautiful.

SENIOR FINAL VERDICT: MySpace Friendship Accepted
P.S. Chubby monkeys rule

Tommy Santee Klaws, I Call You Kitty Mumbles by J. Junior

Ever wonder what it sounds like to have a kittycat mumbling into your asshole with beautiful acoustics in the background? Then it's time you give "Summer Dogs I" by Tommy Santee Klaws a listen.

I'll be the first to admit, the music itself is beautiful. The subtlety of the acoustic guitar keeping the beat, with the amazing violin playing in the background, I really dug that. No complaints here.

What Tommy doesn't have going for him on this track are the vocals. I swear to god once he really gets going, it sounds like an effeminate man, and at times even a feline, trying to sing into a pillow or as I put it earlier, an asshole. Since all I'm getting on this end are kittycat mumbles, I don't even know what the hell the song is about but I'm still curious, so I give the second song "Good Manatee" a listen.

"Good Manatee" is purely an insturmental, that sounds like something you'd hear playing at some sort of goth circus or in a really fucked up twisted version of Amelie. At this point I have stopped listening to all of his music all together.

JUNIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Frienship Accepted


There's just something kind of endearing about a fat hispanic dude with a ponytail and an amish beard who hugs puppies in photographs, dresses up as a furrie cow, hangs out with little kids and plays weird off the wall acoustic shit. I would totally be best friends with this dude. Rock on Tommy Santee Klaws.

I threw a youtube video of Tommy playing down here on the end to show off some more of his chunky bearded adorableness. Pay close attention to the asian looking guy on accordian. He's really feeling the rawness of this particular set. He's got the Stevie Wonder face/neck thing going on. Either that, or he's on quaaludes.

The Cheezefest That Is David Vandervelde by J. Senior

Maybe I'm just old...wait a minute...oh yeah...I am friggin old. When I first encountered this song, "Nothin' No", I was like "hey...is this Ween?", then "no", then "hey why is this guy so serious when he sounds like Ween?", then "this sounds old...is this old?" (I was in my car, the window was down, and I was driving fast), then it ended...I was sad...i wanted to know more...oh wait...the DJ just told me his name...David Vander-somesuchshit.

Upon arriving at work I immediately got on the Google...I love that Google knows I can't spell and loves me for it...and found out the man's name...surprise he has a MySpace page. I listened to this damn song about 15 times...turns out I like it...I like it fine. Its nice and spacey with some cheesy ass guitars and fake sitars and some crazy spaced out David Bowie/George Harrison (and Ween!!) vocals. But here is the kicker, as my esteemed young colleague has mentioned, he means it.

The song is about some very cliche relationship, where apparently drugs, alcohol, cheating, and lies are par for the course. I can relate! That was my marriage...and every other ridiculous relationship I have ever had...all set to some very well recorded cheese. Oh yeah, did I mention that i find the layering and the sound quality of this to be enjoyable? I do...I'm a sucker for the occasional space rock.

There are other songs by our little friend David...forget them...I did. I also feel I need to address the rock star posturing in evidence. So here it is...there is rock star posturing in evidence. This doesn't really bother me so much, it just means i won't bring a chick I wanna bang to one of his shows...they don't need to be reminded that I am not nearly as pretty.

The bottom line? I like that one song and I will visit from time to time to see if there is anymore good stuff.

SENIOR FINAL VERDICT: MySpace Friendship Accepted (although I reserve the right to delete you next week, once I am tired of spam about shows in Arkansas)

The Cheezefest That Is Mr. David Vandervelde by J. Junior

David Vandervelde's own myspace describes him as "The sound we heard coming through in stereo was that of our coming-of-age years screaming back at us - a faithful reminder that our beauteous days of bowing before pin-up rock stars and carving iconographic logos on desktops and in famous treetrunks have not passed us by. No, David Vandervelde is here to remind us that the truest, most primal and addictive properties of rock n' roll are ageless." Not my stereo David Vandervelde.

When I hit play for first song "Nothin' No," I was like "hey, this kind of oldschool. this might be interesting." Then as soon as his vocals kicked in, I got some serious cringe face. I felt like I was in highschool again, at one of those lame basement shows I was always at, watching one of my friends make a total asshole of himself up on the stage and me feeling really embarrassed for them. As much as it pains me, I have kept re-playing the track trying to come up with an accurate way I can describe his voice, and all I can think to say is how over-produced and gratingly whiney it was.

OH! And that's not even the single shittiest part. Check out the lyrics to the chorus:

"i rememeber every word that you said
i'm much more flattered by the thoughts in your head
let me tell you baby
nothin' no
is gonna keep us apart"

He says that over and over. WTF David? Nothin' no my fart.

And the worst part is that the dude is totally serious. it's not some kind of amusing kitschy classic rock throw back. DUDE IS TOTALLY SERIOUS. You can even tell by the album cover, he has total Morrisey face.

David Vandervelde, I just can't take your cock rock seriously and you need to get your shit together before you can own that Morrisey face.


JUNIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Friendship Denied