Ben Godwin...he's grisly: by J Senior

You know...I'm trying very hard to level my character to 70 in WoW (halfway to 69 now...whooohoo), but then people send us friend requests and J-junior says" Ohhhh we have to write this week...". YIPEE!! This in turn means that I have to listen to some loser from Britain who thinks he has something new to say about how New York is dirty. No fuckin shit!!! Go back to England and eat your pudding!! I don't care what you think, I really don't!! If New York sucks so much, why the hell do you live there? If there is one thing I can't stand is people complaining about where they live (except for when I do it of course... when I do it, it is cute and endearing, just like everything I do). It’s like they can't find the airport.

On to the music. There is a piano…great…innovative, I think there is a banjo…why doesn’t this guy have any sort of British accent? His voice is all gritty and not entirely unlike someone who is trying very hard to sound like Tom Waits. The music is self described as "grisly vaudeville rock'n'roll from UK via NYC".

Grisly

Speaking of Tom Waits, that man is mentioned like 100 times on this Myspace page. I am not saying that Ben Godwin is a complete rip-off; I think that is simply implied by listening…you don’t need me to tell you that. He does a cover of “In my Time of Dying”…Led Zeppelin is better (I told you I am old right?), so I guess that fulfills the blues criteria required by students of the Tom Waits school.

Speaking of the quoted description above, I don’t hear anything even remotely smelling like rock and roll here…maybe its just that he is white. I’m white, does that make me rock and roll?

I don’t like this stuff, its crap, utter crap, don’t take my word for it though; I am bitter and not to be trusted.

Senior Final Verdict: Myspace Friendship Denied

I Vaguely Remember Making Out With Max Steele by J Junior

Max of Max Steele and the Party Ice is someone I very vaguely remember making out with during the lushed out drug addled existence of my late teen years at some party with a bunch of homo's and crusties. Niether of us truly remember the events of the evening, or even who was throwing said party but we both concur there was lots of alcohol and tongue involved. Perhaps we're even making it up. Anything is possible when drugs and homosexuals are involved. Anyway Max makes music and I have never once listened to it until this very moment. Max, if you end up reading this, I'm sorry if I'm a dick. Don't hate me. OK? OK.

The first song "Come On Billy" starts out with a pretty cute lofi synthy beat. I can dig that. Even though it totally sounds like something an insecure gay teenager made in secret in his bedroom, the beginning is fun to listen to and not painful at all. The lyrics are amusing and relatable, I can relate to homo infidelity and wanting to fuck another dude up. We've all been there. The monotone spoken word vocals even work with this alright but as I get deeper into the song something happens. His tones starts changing and then he's screaming about his film director boyfriend being the king of New York, some shit about living in a city full of billies, followed by a "Jet boy Jet Girl" reference and then it just gets waaaaay too gay for me. I have to stop playing it.

I know I'm a homo or whatever, but does anyone else think that most of this "gay hipster with a laptop" music that everyone seems to be doing right now is really shitty? I mean, this isn't even a really bad example, it just gets me thinking about it. It just seems like every gay dude with a microphone and Garageband on his ibook, usually with no musical talent whatsoever, thinks that it's okay to post all their shit on myspace then put up five bulletins everyday about how they posted new pics of themselves in American Apparel underwear and how we should listen to their new song that's just a remix of their old song that they posted that sucked before and sucks even worse now. Also, I wish my roommate knew how bad his own shit sucks, because his room is right next to mine. You know?

So I play the rest of Max's stuff and it's pretty much the same. Really cute sometimes, but then turns painfully over the top ultra gay. However, I do LOOOOOOVE the homage paid to my grrrl and fellow Ohioian born sister Kim Deal on the end of the song "Bored Stiff". That was pretty adorable as is anything pertaining to Kim Deal.

JUNIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Friendship Accepted.


In the end, Max wins just out of sheer adorableness and doing what he does well. And I can't disown the drunken kiss that may or may not have happened. It's not the gentlemanly thing to do. I'd also like to add, Max is one of those people who creates, not just out of a desire for acceptance and/or awesomeness, but because they are driven to create something because it's ingrained in them to do so. It's so obvious. It just bleeds from him. Even if he were a total loser, completely withdrawn from the hipster scene, he'd still be pumping out some sort of project. I know for sure, when I listen to something by a Mister Max Steele five years from now it'll kick the shit out of what I listened to today. Max is also kind of hot which helps a little.

Max, if you're ever passing through the central Ohio area and you're looking for some dank weed, maybe a valium or two and a little play, look me up. Maybe this time we can try to remember it.

The Day I Died A Little By J Junior

I can't believe J Senior's pushing for me to write more about Lukas Rossi, what really is left to say?

Remember that really shitty period of mainstream music where bands like Puddle of Mud, Train, Three Doors Down and Linkin Park were dominating rock radio? If for some bizarre mysterious reason unknown to myself you're feeling really nostalgic or just fucking hate yourself REAAALLLY BAD, head on over to Lukas Rossi's myspace page and give yourself a good earful.

After painfully sitting through two songs, I'm not going to go back and find out the titles because it doesn't matter anyway, all I have to say is : GENERIC GENERIC SHITTY SHITTY CRYBABY ROCKSTAR BULLSHIT. There is no scale to measure the depths of the suck I had just put myself through.

Also, hey Lukas, WTF? WHO THE HELL GETS PAID TO DRESS YOU!? Sometimes you look like you're going for some kind of tranny/boy george look, other times just a straight up homo, and the rest of the time some generic goth/indie hot topic infusion. Let's take a look at a few of his press photo's so we can really understand the essence that is Rossi couture.

p.s. if for some reason the stylist for Lukas stumbles upon this, you have to tell me if you're totally serious and how much you make doing this.

He reminds me of Boy George in this one, but with hair. Also, what's up with his hand in this picture? It looks like he has post-stroke hand.


Hey, Isn't this a picture of Melissa Ethridge's girlfriend?

Actually this outfit is kind of cool, IF YOU'RE FUCKING FIFTEEN! How old is this dude?

Um, so yeah. Lukas Rossi is a total doucheface and I think that's all that needs to be said.

I'm so done with this entry. Are you happy now Jon? Is this what you wanted?!

JUNIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Friendship DENIED!!!

I'm offically not in a good mood now.

Lukas Rossi: Well...It Couldn't Get Much Worse Could It? by J Senior

Are you mad at yourself?

Did you eat more than your daily allotment of chocolate cake?

Do you need to be punished?

Well then you should listen to this!!

I'll be honest, when i stumbled upon this shining star I figured I was in for a foul tasting treat. In no way was I prepared for this! This is not good. This doesn't even approach the realm that exists on the periphery of good! God help us all... some folk singer found the eyeliner.

I actually don't know where to start...the fashion awfulness or the musical yuck. Music? Imagine the Gin Blossoms' B sides...now imagine the ones that weren't good enough for B-sides...now imagine that those B-side rejects really really really really wished that Buffy the Vampire Slayer was still on so they could be featured on the soundtrack. Got the image in your head? Is it fully formed? Yes? Good. Now tattoo it and put some eyeliner on it and now growl a lot because you are angry that Buffy was canceled or ended or whatever. There you go! You got Lukas Rossi!!
the picture says it all...no?
This is Hot Topic pop at its best...which in and of itself is a very bad thing. But this one took all of my chocolate cake and ran away with it. There is no way I will be able to sleep tonight after having heard this. As the lyrics to the drooling piano screamer "Memories of You" state, "I need to burn the memories away". I will need seriously large amounts of whiskey. Copious amounts of whiskey, in order to burn these memories away.

I was going to go into depth on a few of the songs...but I just can't bring my self to do it. Listen, look, shudder...go ahead..I dare you.

SENIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Friend Request Emphatically Denied

ummm...

Tommy Santee Klaws, I Love You Mumble Kitty by J Senior

OK...this may be a little unfair, but I know Mr.Klaws personally...we played in bands together and I missed his wedding party for some dumb reason. But I figured there is nothing wrong with spreading the gospel of some good ole' time, sweet, creepy, twisted, furry folk. I will be short and sweet.

MySpace is crapping out on me at the moment so I can't listen for reference while I write this (I use "write" in a very liberal manner...its more like electronic scribbling). Tommy's music sounds like some high voiced hick from the backwoods of Virginia crashed into a circus comprised of children's toys and bad dreams.

Check out the song "All I know", its like some lush, romantic, Latin lament...with a crazy toy piano and unintelligible lyrics (excepting the line "...and how they hate your guts"). Or "Dead Leaves and BumbleBees"...I'm not sure i need to say more about that.

Bottom line is there is something charming and soothing about Tommy's plaintive mumble and the arrangements/instrumentation tends towards brilliantly odd and beautiful.

SENIOR FINAL VERDICT: MySpace Friendship Accepted
P.S. Chubby monkeys rule

Tommy Santee Klaws, I Call You Kitty Mumbles by J. Junior

Ever wonder what it sounds like to have a kittycat mumbling into your asshole with beautiful acoustics in the background? Then it's time you give "Summer Dogs I" by Tommy Santee Klaws a listen.

I'll be the first to admit, the music itself is beautiful. The subtlety of the acoustic guitar keeping the beat, with the amazing violin playing in the background, I really dug that. No complaints here.

What Tommy doesn't have going for him on this track are the vocals. I swear to god once he really gets going, it sounds like an effeminate man, and at times even a feline, trying to sing into a pillow or as I put it earlier, an asshole. Since all I'm getting on this end are kittycat mumbles, I don't even know what the hell the song is about but I'm still curious, so I give the second song "Good Manatee" a listen.

"Good Manatee" is purely an insturmental, that sounds like something you'd hear playing at some sort of goth circus or in a really fucked up twisted version of Amelie. At this point I have stopped listening to all of his music all together.

JUNIOR FINAL VERDICT: Myspace Frienship Accepted


There's just something kind of endearing about a fat hispanic dude with a ponytail and an amish beard who hugs puppies in photographs, dresses up as a furrie cow, hangs out with little kids and plays weird off the wall acoustic shit. I would totally be best friends with this dude. Rock on Tommy Santee Klaws.

I threw a youtube video of Tommy playing down here on the end to show off some more of his chunky bearded adorableness. Pay close attention to the asian looking guy on accordian. He's really feeling the rawness of this particular set. He's got the Stevie Wonder face/neck thing going on. Either that, or he's on quaaludes.

The Cheezefest That Is David Vandervelde by J. Senior

Maybe I'm just old...wait a minute...oh yeah...I am friggin old. When I first encountered this song, "Nothin' No", I was like "hey...is this Ween?", then "no", then "hey why is this guy so serious when he sounds like Ween?", then "this sounds old...is this old?" (I was in my car, the window was down, and I was driving fast), then it ended...I was sad...i wanted to know more...oh wait...the DJ just told me his name...David Vander-somesuchshit.

Upon arriving at work I immediately got on the Google...I love that Google knows I can't spell and loves me for it...and found out the man's name...surprise he has a MySpace page. I listened to this damn song about 15 times...turns out I like it...I like it fine. Its nice and spacey with some cheesy ass guitars and fake sitars and some crazy spaced out David Bowie/George Harrison (and Ween!!) vocals. But here is the kicker, as my esteemed young colleague has mentioned, he means it.

The song is about some very cliche relationship, where apparently drugs, alcohol, cheating, and lies are par for the course. I can relate! That was my marriage...and every other ridiculous relationship I have ever had...all set to some very well recorded cheese. Oh yeah, did I mention that i find the layering and the sound quality of this to be enjoyable? I do...I'm a sucker for the occasional space rock.

There are other songs by our little friend David...forget them...I did. I also feel I need to address the rock star posturing in evidence. So here it is...there is rock star posturing in evidence. This doesn't really bother me so much, it just means i won't bring a chick I wanna bang to one of his shows...they don't need to be reminded that I am not nearly as pretty.

The bottom line? I like that one song and I will visit from time to time to see if there is anymore good stuff.

SENIOR FINAL VERDICT: MySpace Friendship Accepted (although I reserve the right to delete you next week, once I am tired of spam about shows in Arkansas)